Your parents were very open about the fact that you were adopted from a young age. However, they would never tell you who your birth parents are. One day, however, they do finally tell you that your birth parents are from another planet, and they’re coming to take you home with them.
You’re allergic to evil. Lately, whenever you see your newest bus driver, you can’t stop sneezing.
Brevity is difficult to accomplish. For me, it takes several rounds of edits. For authors more experienced than I, it might take less.
Theosodore is right. My anger is my strength. If there was anything that could ever persuade me to fight in a situation that seems beyond hopeless, it is seething rage. The rage takes me back to the barn where Colette was trying to teach me how to control my fire. I almost had a grasp on the tempting flames then, almost felt like I would have had full control had Colette not invaded the blackness of my thoughts. Now that feeling is back, and this time, I have the fear just underneath the skin of my palm. All I have to do is snap my fingers and–
Published version:
Theosodore is right. My anger is my strength. The feeling takes me back to the barn where Colette tried to teach me how to control my fire. I almost had a grasp on the tempting flames then. Now the feeling is back. I focus on it, drawing the anger down into the skin of my palm, letting it heat my skin until it’s almost unbearable. All I have to do is snap my fingers and–
Notice that the published version is two lines shorter than the unedited version. There was no reason for me to repeat that “seething rage” could help her fight, when “My anger is my strength” is enough to signal that all it takes is anger. I also didn’t need to repeat that the RAGE helped her remember. That’s treating my readers like they’re dumb. Then “I ALMOST had a grasp on the tempting flames then” is all that needs to be said. Readers can already infer why she couldn’t grasp her flames from a previous chapter. As for the next sentence, it was edited to emphasize her anger. So the published paragraph says more than the unpublished paragraph, yes?
Passive voice: Canes and wheelchairs are used by people who have some form of physical disability.
Active voice: People with physical disabilities often use canes or wheelchairs.
Not only did I change it to the active voice, but I also cut out some words.
I ran quickly to the door.
Use I dashed to the door instead. ‘Dashed’ has more urgency than ‘I ran quickly.’
Unedited version of a scene in When Stars Die: A loud rumbling breaks through the shadows, hurling my entire back back into the present, where I’m dodging fire while being subjected to cruel words.
Published version: A loud rumbling breaks through the shadows, hurling me back into the present as I make a hard turn to dodge another ball of fire.
Thursday’s post will be about using commas. So many of my editorial clients struggle with how to use these.
Walt Disney on His Life-Long Love of Peter Pan
“Next to Snow White, I cared most for Peter Pan. He did not come from [a] well-loved story book, but my introduction to him was even more exciting. [My family was] living on a farm, and one morning as [my brother Roy and I] walked to school, we found entrancing new posters on the barns and fences along the road. A road company was coming to the nearby town of Marceline and the play they were presenting was Peter Pan with Maude Adams.
“It took most of the contents of two toy saving banks to buy our tickets, but my brother Roy and I didn’t care. For two hours, we lived in Never Land with Peter and his friends. I took many memories away from the theater with me, but the most thrilling of all was the vision of Peter flying through the air.
"Shortly afterward, Peter Pan was chosen for our school play and I was allowed to play Peter. No actor ever identified himself with the part he was playing more than I — and I was more realistic than Maude Adams in at least one particular: I actually flew through the air! Roy was using a block and tackle to hoist me. It gave way, and I flew right into the faces of the surprised audience.
"When I began producing cartoons, Peter Pan was high on my list of subjects. In fact, after talking it over, Roy and I bought the rights with the idea of making the second full-length feature for our company.”
– Walt Disney, Brief Magazine (Vol. 1, No. 4) April 1953
